Vulnerability is a word of metaphoric onomatopoeia. The mere utterance sets off an alarm of panic in my ear drums and makes the top half of my body shudder. Someone is about to ask me to bare my soul in front of the whole class, naked, at the end of year assembly. It’s happening and I can’t stop it and it doesn’t matter what Brené Brown says…it’s my ABSOLUTE WORST NIGHTMARE!
Vulnerability is also the millennial equivalent of power
dressing in the ‘80s. No longer are we required to wear shoulder pads, ‘take up
space’ and unleash a metaphoric smack down when we are talked over (although we
can if required). In the ‘20s, we must share with the world a part of ourselves
we grew up believing was for our eyes only,
buried in a magical box with an Azkaban worthy locking system, to which
only we could access.
So why am I even sharing my feelings on the V-word with you?
Here is a story.
Some months ago I was overheard discussing a person with a
chaotic life (a.k.a. just a regular person) on the telephone and without
realising it, had underrated the importance of something which I was
discussing. I dismissed it, skated over it, and undermined it. I was overheard.
My wonderful colleague stewed on this for a brief moment and
then asked my permission to create a safe space to call me out, to bring me
with her into awareness and to welcome me into a new conversation.
She did this using ‘Table Top Time’. Initially an office
based open mic of sorts held in that dead bit of desk no one can possibly sit
at, and at which we used to eat biscuits, swap recipes and share life updates
and ditties of no consequence at all.
Table Top Time quickly became something far more profound.
‘Alex, I need to talk to you. That thing you said on the
phone to the person I don’t know; it has really affected me. I don’t think you
realised but it is important and it
means something to me.’
Of course, an empathy light bulb lit up immediately and
remained illuminated. But what percolated latterly was a reflection that she
had instantly created a moment in which, without a shred of threat, she showed
me her vulnerability. And she invited me to do the same, on equal footing,
without competition, virtue signalling or performance.
This has been on my mind for months now. How did she do it?
Can I do it? Can we all do it?
We’ve all had those moments where someone says something
which hits a nerve but we don’t want to make a fuss or don’t believe we have
permission to object, lest it make us vulnerable
in some way. At one extreme for fear I might lose my job for saying something
to someone senior and making them appear
weak. At another extreme, by verbalising my upset or hurt I am expressing my
feelings in a situation where emotions are aligned with weakness, for which
there is no place in my toxic power-dressing up box.
But actually, what my colleague and I gained from Table Top
Time has been a world of new conversations, trust and personal growth; not to
mention a strengthening in our personal relationship which simply wouldn’t have
happened any other way.
Maybe there is something in this.
What if the plates at the Table Top were loaded with our
baggage and nonsense (see regular person, above), and we sat down to a tasting
menu of truth and awareness, made peace with the fact that there would be
moments of discomfort and just enjoyed the meal? No one participates in Table
Top Time without acknowledging that they have a lot to learn and also something
meaningful to contribute. It’s a space of Speak Up and Listen Up. Everyone has
the same access to validation and challenge.
Vulnerability is the birthplace of trust. And trust is what
we need in order to take risks. Risks are how we trial new ideas and thoughts.
Adapt and adopt what works and playfully laugh at what doesn’t and crucially, do
not judge ourselves for our failures. We notice these moments as they are
recycled around the vulnerability food chain. Vulnerability is: relinquishing
control and acknowledging messy things like feelings. Let those spaghetti
strings splash.
The best thing about Table Top Time is that there are no
restrictions. It’s free and it’s for everyone. You don’t even need a table, just
an imagination and a mind-set for it.
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